When your authority is fatigued and you are lonely
Remember this it what you have caused
Remember this is where you had left me,
Remember this is where I will pause.
I asked for safety from this starvation
A key to let me in
A breath to keep me breathing
But your knife has cut my skin
You've forgotton me however
You've lost your own damn mind
A greedy, estranged phantom
Has stole your heart, not mine!
And the brush is the divide that keeps us poisioned
The divide between status and blame,
Remember when your looking at that picture
Remember when you miss my name.
The wrath in its loss,
Was an undeniable blow,
A painful grieving,
not knowing where to go.
From the light outside my window to the roof over my head all is congested in this small inclosed cycle. When the aftermath of the storm passes you can look further into the distance, but all seems uncertain, feels obsolete when you're standing alone. My frustration couldn't be scripted into want this feeling was really like underneath the stress and disappointment, all I was doing was believing that in some fashion I would find something to make it all right with or without them. The spring was just approaching and with a new job and outlook on life I was starting to climb out of the dust. When you're left fending for your own survival and you've only asked to be heard, the silence is deafening and heartbreaking, but you learn to cope at will. It was time to clean the foreign debts of my past, and when the heavy load would subside I had no ears to know when or how it would all release. Only time had its plague set on my side and the hero I wanted to become was hanging on for dear life, so that I could show my face at there door one day, and explain you had no means to save me when I needed you most. This eerie and indefinite feeling still sits at my window pain, still breaks in my heartbeat as I await the spring cleaning and fill in the gaps. I have no desire to move my mouth to empty the words that disappoint me, I have no rhythm to solute your judgment in becoming so cold. I have decided to refrain from your ridicule and shame abound me, as I feel all I have done is let you down. This is the empress of my soul speaking, my fearful heart of not knowing what life this is, and in what cold hand we are dealt such ill swords from our loved ones. Money is the snake on our backs and the death to all of us, but we are the keepers of nothing! We lie dead one day without any fancy stock beside us, but our lessons and love we've reaped in our days. Shall I ever forgive you. Along came spring...
I can come up to the surface and breathe now... I can feel like I've never felt, and adore what I have waited so long for. These few days between us are like mer seconds of time, because the truth is I've sacrificed the inner core which keeps my heart beating, keeps me craving your infusion inside me. I am tearful, filled with the deep relief I have no words, I have no thoughts because they are racing and pacing internal. I remember all those faces that clashed with mine, I remember the cruel tone in the room, the aching walls around me that closed me in and tried to steal away my fate. My head bows as I remember this frail moment and how I've risen above it. I pushed and fell so hard, I hit the ground violently, I hated the loneliness all to figure out my namesake. Healing now, somehow I can rejoice in even that, I can rejoice for being here and forever in this 419 of an abyss I am forever thankful and filled to the top of my spirit with gratitude for. I can fall asleep and feel revived again... Thank you for saving my life, and giving me salvation and reassurance through this angel code, the dark hours are among what I shall never forget or replace, because it is apart of me. It is a moment I wept and struck the the steal for. Its for the mascara that made its way down my skin as I sat there in my cell. It's for every hell that ever crossed me or the madness I doubted in myself. For some reason my soul never broke or gave into, for some reason when I heard the music I awoke... the veil is up, can you see me now...
The world in a gainful employer, I weep on my hands and my feet for all that follow it. The cruelest words I should ever hear was that of disillusion and self greed, that took of land and soil and took of my sheets that protected me. I felt the rocky sharp edges in my paper thin hands and felt your blade cut through me, and I spilled all that I am and ever will be...
The truth wasn't hard to see past, but the people were a cloud of distraught men, a million sat on pins and needles as they took what will was abound us. The tides in their eyes were vast with hunger, the legend was no more a prisoner at dawn, when they took our words from our mouths and our heros, and casted us away beyond...
The burning flame lights all secrets and sends and essence of that truth and that reluctance of acceptance. I failed you once again, my arms the ape, the forest creature that cannot be taken seriously, cannot be normal like you. The afterthoughts of all that disturb me, resist every tongue that I wish to curse. The railways, the castaways the hurst of dark sadness. Light flicker, bring that is all light upon me, make me rise above what she thinks I will never amount or come to be. The errie silents thrusts its naked challenge on my back, but what may come may not be of taste, but of a dry formative blow to my skull, or the tears that may fall from singing my song, or hearing their familiar tunes in schoolyards. The sage that has cleansed a trillion years, the dust in my hands and the good nature of my heart. I am who I am, fighting for all truths and all cause, of compassion to see me as I am.
I can see the simmering in the eyes of distress and opposition. Defeat it sounds so simple, but its more then that, Its more to speak of it and acknowledge you've tried your hardest to find a solution. The blankets that cover our eyes and families from the truth, the wilderness beyond our comprehension. The harbingers of false lies and crooks is beyond comprehension, because the night cap is illuminating its swords. The words are in pure portrait, perfected and in eloquent diction. I've swam in the absurd notions of this system and the toxins are sinking in my skin, the wind and smell is different and the clamminess is annoying. Speak the truth and act. Forget the riddle, its all around.
I'm scared because the truth is thick in my heart. The unknowing turbulence is dull as the shelter I live in soiled in soot. Forgive my selfishness, my stupidity and anger toward the notion, but I cannot stand in this suffocating mud, this dungeon of a tomb Im glued in. (beat)
I lift my eyelids and I feel tired, I cling to my insides and I feel nothing. All I feel right by is being loved by you, but yet the mock of your stagnant words profess I've failed and I am back to nothing. Left as nothing to feel devoured by a force I cannot bare, cannot express or amputate in my thoughts because your engraved in my shiver.
The musical spectrum of my childhood is fought with teeth and nail and I proclaim thee of any signifigance, for the world is a spindle and I am its fool. I unwind and the day is sour today, it sits on my tongue which wants to spit profanities and twist the thin layers of my knuckles because I want to punch a wall for your ignoring me! (beat)
I've sat for you, listened and always painted your story. I've tried to comfort your irrational disasters and spark a new fire so you'd find happiness from your frail inside child. I have a locket and I have a deed, a suffering and solitude of acceptance that you'll never understand or commit me for. (beat)
Will you ever be proud of my trial and errors, the person I've become... I hope somewhere, sometime you'll be there to accept me as I am, to stand affirm of this individual and not sentence my joys to flares. My cruel mistake in this critical and opaque bliss is I have nothing more to offer but these gifts and passions that partake me, nothing this or now will change that, not in your words will you make it all disappear. I am saddened in the tone of my recognition, that I may be loosing your belief.
I'd be lying if I didn't gush about this massive empire that lies covered in trees and moss. The silly strings of ivy sneaks around the outsides of homes and climbs the corridors of its history. In ever so defined beauty its master peice is never ignored nor never closed to discussion, for all the people in this whole town talk of her and the great wars of our past and the heroism of their "greatest days."
I started my journey from Vegas and crossed the flatlands of the states, the curiosity arose in my body through every mile we passed, the lightning was different the winds and climates changed and in every hour upon the hour something inside me felt different. Was I going home, was I healing through the canals of a daunting relationship with myself? Who knew, only me...It was all in this land I lost myself in its haunting melody of wicked stripes, the hide away stairs and tapestry's of a endless poise and elegance. The scent of more then two hundred years shook the rooms violently and made me second guess my entire existence, from a place of old and timeless age, this was a place once called home by its ghostly inheritance, a place that captivated my world and made the tears that more for me to feel, it all started here in a place called Nashville...
(to be continued)
Written By, Samantha Jay
Day breaks as the clouds turn into mud, they slip through my fingers as I feel the earths call and healing roots. The waves of catastrophe feel revived and full of information from a fruition on its birthing ground. I am being called into my next place, my next wilderness, my own retreat. The envelope that had been sealed for so many years is opened, is read and looked upon. In days this would all be a reality, the open road and the vines that pave the roadways 1,801 miles from here.
Deep into my dreams the vast picture of sweet faces and scents fill the air with history, a blissful freedom and a time I'm accounted for as If my soul has been stolen and swept away.
Imagine such a place, a place kept quiet by the lakeside... I can feel its deep estranged roots whisper its secrets as I walk by, the hallow drifts in the green, the booming thunderstorms and dark lightening clouds loom in a swift and sweet agony.
Before her I have awaited this eternity to see more then what is west and north, but a far cry to the east where I've only heard stories time and time again. My selfish pride is thickened as this unfolds, while this narrow passage is only here for mer seconds. My mother would think I was crazy to embark before I could barely stand, but without it I feel I wouldn't be living at all, not really living in these walls.
Day breaks and the clearance is remarkable as I can finally see this dream come to life, the bridges that will be crossed and the overwelming magnitude of emotions that will rise. It's about following your heart and where ever that may be or where ever that may go, your chance is only there for so long, as your heart is only beating for so many years, that the dreams that you strive for in this life are its majesty at such power you must grab hold of your own cards and deal them.
Day breaks and its the next chapter into a grand realm of experience.
Today the many facets of my mind invoke, the purpose of these hands is to touch you, feel your strength and ingest your beauty. I gather my thoughts and I crawl to the corridors of my dwelling, latching on to what l have left, feeling the desire transpire in me. These eyes were made to see you, the colorful ancient tides, and the swallows in the bay.
Today I feel fanciful, completed with a grand fleet. I am allowing myself to become awakened by my fears, take risks and allow the heart to follow. These purposeful movements engrave there innocence, I am only trying to sort out my cause, my purpose and flaws.
As a writer you never set a scale out to define your words, you just breath into each phrase and develop the picture in the end. I love the divinity of this, its better then chocolate, its bitter, sweet and melts into perfection.